Apology Reminisces Over Someone He's Never Met

from Body Of Apology by Colporteur

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lyrics

I can’t keep a straight face. Holding open my eyelids, watch the pupils dilate. Stop, blink away the lights. I’d find peace of mind in the darkened corners I’m too scared to reach my hand into. There’s an old desk clerk shuffling papers around in the back of my head. There’s a chest of drawers that I can never get open since the black paint dried, and they stick.

I trace my own frown lines with fingers that smell like the yellow of a cigarette. In the mirror, I push a smile onto my face. There’s a couch I think I’ve grown to love more than I ever cared for my own skin. Because the days I sleep through and the nights passed out drunk, I dream of her again and again.

She’s a tall black girl with beads pulled through her hair, no matter when I start dreaming, she’s already there and she smiles, her teeth the white of a letter I’d like to read. Won’t you write to me?

There’s this goddamn stain down the front of my shirt I’ve been scrubbing at all night with dish soap in the bathroom sink, but it won’t come out. I just keep thinking that my mother would know—yeah, she’d know how to fix this. But she won’t. She won’t fix this. And I won’t. I can’t fix this.

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from Body Of Apology, released January 15, 2014

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Colporteur Huntington Beach, California

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